SMILE DOES NOT ALWAYS WIN

 

 

On my return from New York recently, I was down from jetlag for a longer period than in the past. Upsetting of my daily routine led to a spell of dyspepsia.

I first learnt of this tummy ailment while reading PG Wodehouse in my schooldays. PG’s characters, addicted to heavy drinking and rich foods, often suffered from it. Different remedies were sought but the most unusual one is described in the story, “The Smile That Wins”, in the book, “Mulliner Nights”.

Adrian Mulliner, a private detective, who frequently suffers from dyspepsia, meets Millicent who is attracted to him by the strange, painful look that he wears due to the disease. They fall in love but Millicent’s father, the Earl of Brangbolton, wants Millicent to marry a financier of his acquaintance.

Adrian’s dyspepsia gets worse due to this heartbreak and he goes to his doctor who tells him that the best remedy for dyspepsia is to smile. Adrian does not quite know how to as he has not smiled since his childhood days and the effort makes him develop a distinctly sinister look that seems to suggest to his onlookers that he knows their darkest secrets.

Consequently, when Adrian meets the financier who has plenty to hide, the latter hands him a cheque for a hundred thousand pounds. The Earl who cheats at cards gives his consent to Millicent marrying Adrian in order to carry on cheating.

I thought why not give smile a chance and get rid of dyspepsia and perhaps gain some side benefits. So I made an effort to smile when my better half came in and saw me. She said, “I thought you were suffering from pain in your tummy but here you are, hale and hearty, lazing and ridiculously smirking.” I tried to explain why I was smiling but she would have none of it, “You are perfectly all right and pretending to be unwell just to gain sympathy from me. Now get up and help me do some work and wipe that smile off your face.”

The last few words brought back a painful memory. 67 years ago, I joined the National Defence Academy and after reporting, was directed towards my allotted squadron, ‘F’. I was trudging along with my possessions, a bedding and a trunk, but trying to smile looking forward as I was to the beginning of a glorious naval career. I was spotted by a senior whose immediate words to me were, “Wipe that stupid smile off your bloody face!”

I soon learnt that smiling for a first termer was an absolute no-no and would only land him in trouble. It was much worse if a second termer, looking for blood after having himself gone through six months of intense ragging in the previous term, caught me smiling as that would earn not just a scolding but physical punishment in terms of front rolls and back rolls and measuring the length and more of a vast corridor by hopping on haunches.

I wiped off my smile and instead reached for some Pudin Hara and Gaviscon.