A WODEHOUSE GOLF TALE

When recounting golf stories, it is impossible not to remember PG Wodehouse and his hilarious tales. When writing about my golf foursome, a story that was buzzing in my head was 'The Clicking of Cuthbert', one of his best. Allow me to summarise it here- those who are familiar with it would surely laugh on being refreshed and those that haven't, I would strongly recommend that they read the original.

The story, written in 1916, is about a proficient golfer, Cuthbert Banks, who has won the French Open and plays with legendary golfing figures like Harry Vardon and Abe Mitchell. One day while playing at his Club, he hits a bad shot which, through a window, lands at the table of the adjacent Wood Hills Literary and Debating Society which is holding a serious discussion. Cuthbert barges in and being a conscientious golfer, insists on playing the ball 'as it lies' from the table with his niblick. There his eyes fall on pretty Adeline Smethurst and Cuthbert is immediately smitten and falls in love. He proceeds to woo her but she says she wants to marry an intellectual and a person of standing and good golf and French Open mean nothing to her. Intent on pursuing her, Cuthbert decides to join the Literary Society but as time passes, it does not seem to be doing any good for his matrimonial chances or his golf.

The Society invites a famous Russian writer, Vladimir Brusiloff, to give a talk followed by a party at Adeline's aunt's place. A budding local writer, Raymond Parsloe Devine who Adeline has her eyes on, decides to engage Brusiloff in a learned conversation and states that he is an admirer of famous Soviet writers such as Sovietski and Nastikoff with whom his own writings are being compared.

By now Brusiloff, for whom this is the 82nd meeting in UK which he has undertaken only for the money, has had enough of such conversations and lashes out, "Sovietski no good. I spit me of Sovietski. Nastikoff no good. Nastikoff worse than Sovietski. I spit me of Nastikoff. PG Wodehouse and Tolstoi not bad. Not good but not bad. No novelist any good but me."

A deafening silence descends on the room while Raymond, completely flabbergasted, slinks away. Adeline's aunt tries to revive the party and asks Brusiloff which famous Britishers he has met. He says he has met many, Lloyd George, etc. but is pining to meet people he really admires such as Arbmishel and Arreevadon. Everyone is foxed because no one is able to recognise these names but Cuthbert, hitherto hiding in a corner, sheepishly volunteers, "I think he means Abe Mitchell and Harry Vardon." 

On hearing this, Brusiloff rushes to Cuthbert and asks if he knows them. Cuthbert says he plays with them very often. Brusiloff is annoyed that he was not 'introducted' to this man so far and on hearing the name Cuthbert Banks, excitedly screams, "Banks, not Cootaboot Banks! Yais! Yais! Cootaboot! I saw you win ze French Open. Will you permit one who is but eighteen at Nijni-Novgorod to salute you" and proceeds to kiss Cuthbert a couple of times.

The rest of the evening is spent with Brusiloff cornering Cuthbert in an engaging conversation recounting his golf games including an exciting one against Lenin and Trotsky in which the latter has a 2" inch putt for a win but is distracted by a bang caused by someone indulging in "our great national sport, trying to assassinate Lenin with rewolwers". Trotsky proceeds to mishit the ball 5 yards past the hole and the shaken Lenin misses the return putt giving hole and match to Brusiloff and partner.

Brusiloff finally thanks Mrs Smethurst profusely for a most charming evening as he wishes her 'goot-a-bye' and goes to shoot a few holes with his friend 'Cootaboot' who promises to lend him whatever equipment he wants including his favourite club 'niblicksky'. Adeline wonders if she could walk with them and Cuthbert is, of course, more than delighted to have her company.

The incident raises Adeline's esteem for Cuthbert and golf highly and the two get married. Adeline starts revering golf and even wants to name their son Abe Mitchell Ribbed-Faced Mashie Banks and it is only Cuthbert's earnest pleading which prevents her from doing so.

P.S. Another laugh from the tale: Before his golf chat with Brusiloff, Cuthbert would have avoided him like the plague. So when Adeline runs into Cuthbert after Brusiloff has accepted to come to her aunt's party, she enthusiastically says, "Such good news about Vladimir Brusiloff." Cuthbert's immediate reaction, "Dead?", 'with a touch of hope'.