I am playing bad golf these days.
One reason could be that I haven't played much this year. The first two months I was travelling. Then I had a peculiar viral infection with long-lasting debilitating after-effects. Hopefully I am past all that now.
So golf has suffered. When I played a game last week, my shots were all over the place. Instead of going 200 yards north, they would end up less than 100 yards nor'-east-nor' or at times, east-nor'-east. You might be quick to advise, "Go and practice." I doubt that would help. First, the age; though the spirit may be there, the flesh is weak. Second, it is boring; who wants to stand rooted to one spot and hit 100 balls from there instead of a refreshing stroll through the natural greenery even though some have named golf 'a good walk spoiled.'
In golf, one's ego plays a very important part: one does not want to lose. More often than not, golfers like to bet and it is not that losing money would make a big hole in one's pocket, it is the ignominy of defeat. And that applies even though there might be no bet. One just wants to WIN.
I was pondering over all this when I recalled that some time back on a trip to New York, I had picked up a book, "'How To Win At Golf' without actually playing well" (referred to from now on as 'the book'). I have been going through it carefully and have picked up quite a few tips which I am sure will put me on the winning side always. I share them with you along with some other tricks I have learnt over the years with the hope that you would never be my opponent. I am joking; seriously, I declare that I would never stoop so low as to cheat.
To deal with the subject at hand, the first important thing is to get your caddie on the same page as you. Many years ago, I was taking part in the Navy Championships when I overheard a colleague briefing his caddie. With an engaging arm over the caddie's shoulder, he whispered that he had come to win, the caddie must ensure that his ball should always lie well and not worry about anything as he would be looked after well...wink...wink...wink!!!
Look for a barefoot caddie. It is likely that such an individual would be adept at walking over your ball, picking it up with the underside of his toes and deftly place it on a plush lie. Prior briefing is essential for the caddie should know you are not Admiral Pereira who caught his caddie doing that and proceeded to give him a tight slap though the Admiral broke his own thumb as the caddie attempted to defend himself with a club.
Here is a story I read elsewhere. A player went to a golf course but a caddie was not available. On further insistence, he was told that a nine-year old boy could do the job but he could only count upto five. The player immediately said, "Perfect. I will take him. Who wants him to count more." As you know, in golf, the winner is the one who takes the least number of strokes.
A word of caution though, don't overdo it. There is the story of a guy who got a hole-in-one but was so used to reducing his score that he noted his score as 'zero'.
(A strange game is golf. Although a player should write his actual score on his card, a hole-in-one would count as zero when working out his net score if the player is entitled to a stroke on the hole by virtue of his handicap. In fact, if the player's handicap is above 18, he may have the benefit of 2 strokes on the hole making his net score -1!)
The book credits a Robert Tyre Jones Jr. with this quote which sums up the psychology of golf, "Competitive golf is played mainly on a five-and-a-half-inch course: the space between your ears." Mind games begin the moment you meet your opponent on the first tee. You are there to beat him, so start messing up with his mind as soon as he appears ready to take his back swing for the first shot. Ask him, "Do you shank?"
For information of those who don't play the game, 'shank' is a dreaded malaise that at times strikes the best of golfers. Something goes wrong with the forward swing and the ball makes contact with the shaft just above the club head instead of the latter, darts weakly 90* from the intended direction and quite likely, ends up in a hazard, or at best, in a bad lie. The question, posed at the right time, will haunt him through the round.
Another technique is shadow work as demonstrated in the movie "Goldfinger" in which the villain's sidekick quietly moves his shadow over James Bond's golf ball just when he is about to hit it. Or you could do a stifled sneeze at that time. Or, if you are in his peripheral vision, cross your feet or move your arms just as he starts his downswing.
During the game, when your balls are lying at similar distance from the hole and he is due to play before you, ask your caddie within your opponent’s hearing for a club lower or higher than the one you actually intend to use. Start taking some practice swings before he takes his shot to sow doubts in his mind about club selection. After he has hopefully messed up the shot, change your club to the desired one.
Ask him if he has a 'swing thought' - what does he think when he is preparing to hit a shot? Occasionally, enumerate the various hazards facing him on his next shot ending with, "If you hit it straight avoiding the deep depression on the left and the big bunker on the right, you should be fine."
Many years back, a guy named Puran Pandey, unfortunately no more, God bless his soul, used to play with me and come up with wisecracks. One day his ball was lying inside a circle marked with 'chuna' (lime) indicating that it was 'GUR' (ground under repair) and he was allowed a free drop. He said that was a great idea and he would ask his caddie to always have some 'chuna' in the bag so that he could quickly mark it around his ball whenever the lie was not good and claim a free drop. Imagine my surprise when I found this in print in the book! It aptly names the player "Picasso" who always carried a can of white spray paint in his bag for the purpose!
A quote I came by says, 'He who have fastest cart never have to play bad lie'. To be smart, 'The Improver' rushes to his ball and improves his lie before anyone comes near him or while others are focused on watching another player take his shot.
On the putting green, if your opponent putts close to the hole, praise his shot and carefully examine proximity of the ball to the hole. Just when he thinks you are going to concede the putt, tell him "Nobutaminit" meaning 'it won't take but a minute for you to putt this’.
As for yourself, play the 'inchworm' by marking your ball, lifting it, cleaning it and replacing it a few inches nearer the hole.
What if the opponent has read this book or Sidney Potter's "Golfmanship" and tries his hand at playing on your mind? You have to be smart to recognise that quickly and concoct some long-winded, irrelevant story without an end about a real old golfer like Harry Vardon or Ben Hogan to throw him off and impress him with your knowledge of golf history.
All is fair in love and war and golf is war. Remember, 'golfers who claim they never cheat also lie'. Your relationship with your opponent is inversely proportional to how he is playing. Best summed up in the query, "Is my 'friend' in the bunker or is the 'bastard' on the green?"
Tailpiece: Not a golf story but the poor guy must have been a golfer. In a cartoon I chanced upon, the executioner is ready with his axe held up high to knock off the head of the guy with his neck on the chopping block. Before he brings the axe down, the executioner asks the victim, "Any last wish?" The frightened, shaken plea, “Don't shank."
