A WODEHOUSE GOLF TALE

When recounting golf stories, it is impossible not to remember PG Wodehouse and his hilarious tales. When writing about my golf foursome, a story that was buzzing in my head was 'The Clicking of Cuthbert', one of his best. Allow me to summarise it here- those who are familiar with it would surely laugh on being refreshed and those that haven't, I would strongly recommend that they read the original.

The story, written in 1916, is about a proficient golfer, Cuthbert Banks, who has won the French Open and plays with legendary golfing figures like Harry Vardon and Abe Mitchell. One day while playing at his Club, he hits a bad shot which, through a window, lands at the table of the adjacent Wood Hills Literary and Debating Society which is holding a serious discussion. Cuthbert barges in and being a conscientious golfer, insists on playing the ball 'as it lies' from the table with his niblick. There his eyes fall on pretty Adeline Smethurst and Cuthbert is immediately smitten and falls in love. He proceeds to woo her but she says she wants to marry an intellectual and a person of standing and good golf and French Open mean nothing to her. Intent on pursuing her, Cuthbert decides to join the Literary Society but as time passes, it does not seem to be doing any good for his matrimonial chances or his golf.

The Society invites a famous Russian writer, Vladimir Brusiloff, to give a talk followed by a party at Adeline's aunt's place. A budding local writer, Raymond Parsloe Devine who Adeline has her eyes on, decides to engage Brusiloff in a learned conversation and states that he is an admirer of famous Soviet writers such as Sovietski and Nastikoff with whom his own writings are being compared.

By now Brusiloff, for whom this is the 82nd meeting in UK which he has undertaken only for the money, has had enough of such conversations and lashes out, "Sovietski no good. I spit me of Sovietski. Nastikoff no good. Nastikoff worse than Sovietski. I spit me of Nastikoff. PG Wodehouse and Tolstoi not bad. Not good but not bad. No novelist any good but me."

A deafening silence descends on the room while Raymond, completely flabbergasted, slinks away. Adeline's aunt tries to revive the party and asks Brusiloff which famous Britishers he has met. He says he has met many, Lloyd George, etc. but is pining to meet people he really admires such as Arbmishel and Arreevadon. Everyone is foxed because no one is able to recognise these names but Cuthbert, hitherto hiding in a corner, sheepishly volunteers, "I think he means Abe Mitchell and Harry Vardon." 

On hearing this, Brusiloff rushes to Cuthbert and asks if he knows them. Cuthbert says he plays with them very often. Brusiloff is annoyed that he was not 'introducted' to this man so far and on hearing the name Cuthbert Banks, excitedly screams, "Banks, not Cootaboot Banks! Yais! Yais! Cootaboot! I saw you win ze French Open. Will you permit one who is but eighteen at Nijni-Novgorod to salute you" and proceeds to kiss Cuthbert a couple of times.

The rest of the evening is spent with Brusiloff cornering Cuthbert in an engaging conversation recounting his golf games including an exciting one against Lenin and Trotsky in which the latter has a 2" inch putt for a win but is distracted by a bang caused by someone indulging in "our great national sport, trying to assassinate Lenin with rewolwers". Trotsky proceeds to mishit the ball 5 yards past the hole and the shaken Lenin misses the return putt giving hole and match to Brusiloff and partner.

Brusiloff finally thanks Mrs Smethurst profusely for a most charming evening as he wishes her 'goot-a-bye' and goes to shoot a few holes with his friend 'Cootaboot' who promises to lend him whatever equipment he wants including his favourite club 'niblicksky'. Adeline wonders if she could walk with them and Cuthbert is, of course, more than delighted to have her company.

The incident raises Adeline's esteem for Cuthbert and golf highly and the two get married. Adeline starts revering golf and even wants to name their son Abe Mitchell Ribbed-Faced Mashie Banks and it is only Cuthbert's earnest pleading which prevents her from doing so.

P.S. Another laugh from the tale: Before his golf chat with Brusiloff, Cuthbert would have avoided him like the plague. So when Adeline runs into Cuthbert after Brusiloff has accepted to come to her aunt's party, she enthusiastically says, "Such good news about Vladimir Brusiloff." Cuthbert's immediate reaction, "Dead?", 'with a touch of hope'.

OUR ERSTWHILE GOLF FOURBALL

After settling down in Delhi post retirement from the Navy, I started playing golf at the Army Golf Club (AEPTA) Dhaula Kuan. I became part of a fourball which included PKG (Cmde PK Gupta), Arjan (Brig AS Narula) and PC (Col Puran Chand, not Personal Computer(!), Pande). 

It was a fun group with a lot of light banter and jokes. We never spoilt it by betting which unnecessarily gives rise to controversies such as strict adherence to rules, false handicap, etc. Play, enjoy the game and company, go home.

A golden rule with PC was that all good shots were attributable to his skills and the bad ones to his caddie. The latter was to be blamed for anything wrong with PC's game be it the choice of club, not keeping the head down, the swing, grip, stance, whatever. As soon as the shot went wrong, PC would begin chastising his caddie: 'why did you give me 7 iron and not the 5', 'why didn't you tell me to keep my head down', 'you should have told me my backswing was too high', 'why have you come when you don't know how to caddie- a caddie does not get paid for just carrying clubs, a caddie is supposed to advise and tell the player how to play', etc. etc. It was fun to hear PC's rant and the caddie would quietly listen, grin and bear it because he knew that it was just PC's way of letting out steam.

What would have us in splits of laughter were PC's funny remarks. Noticing that the management had started marking free drop areas with 'choona' (white limestone powder), PC said that was a wonderful idea, he would put some in his bag and whenever his ball would lie in a difficult position, he would quickly sprinkle some choona around it and claim a free drop!

Once while walking towards the10th tee, he saw a veteran practising on the driving range. PC, "Saala, Nigambodh Ghat jane ko taiyyar hai phir bhi practice mein time waste kar raha hai!" 

In the washroom, noticing the state of hand towels, "Yaar, these towels are so filthy that after wiping your hands with them, you need to wash your hands again." 

Another habit of his, squeezing buttered toast in his palm till the last drop of butter had been drained out. When I asked him why he didn't ask the waiter to put less or no butter, he said he wanted his toast soft and didn't like the taste of plain bread.

The four ball does not exist any more. PC departed from this world many years ago and Arjan quit sometime back due to illness and finally followed PC last year. PKG has given up because of bad knees. Pandemic kept me away for almost a year but I am trying to make a comeback and find new partners to make it at least a two or threeball instead of just oneball!

But whenever I see any 'choona' on the course, I will remember PC.

THEN THERE WAS JOHNNY MATHIS and......

While Nat King Cole had reached his prime in early ‘50s, another romantic singer made his entry in the musical charts in 1956, Johnny Mathis with a soft ‘velvet’ voice.

The first song of his that I loved was “The Twelfth of Never”, meaning the date of a future occurrence that will never come to pass. Its remarkably emotional lyrics include-                                                                     ‘You ask how long I’ll love you, I’ll tell you true….I’ll love you till the poets run out of rhyme,           Until the twelfth of never, and that’s a long long time.’

This was followed by “Chances Are” with hopeful lines,                                                                          'Guess you feel you’ll always be the one and only one for me                                                                         And if you think you could                                                                                                                           Well, chances are your chances are awfully good!’

And the compulsive “Misty”,                                                                                                                     ‘Don’t you know how hopelessly I’m lost, that’s why I’m following you….                                                  I’m too misty and too much in love.’

But the song most of us would be familiar with was the theme song from the movie “A Certain Smile” based on the French novel by Francoise Sagan who, as a teenager, hit the bestseller list with her first book, "Bonjour Tristesse". As some may recall, "A Certain Smile" is a story of a teenage girl who abandons her young boy friend for an older married man leading to the inevitable heartbreak. The older man was played by Rossano Brazzi and I have hated him ever since! Some of the haunting lyrics of the song....                                                                                                                                                          ‘You love awhile and when love goes,                                                                                                             You try to hide the tears inside with a cheerful pose,                                                                                          But in the hush of night….Comes that certain smile to haunt your heart again.’

That brings to mind another Francoise, Francoise Hardy, a French singer popular in the late ‘60s who also sang in English. My favourite,“Will you still love me tomorrow?”

Skipping many years and more romantic singers, let me bid adieu to this piece with the popular Demis Roussos song,                                                                                                                                                            ‘Goodbye my love goodbye….As long as you remember me I’ll never be too far,                                           Goodbye my love goodbye, I’ll always will be true,                                                                                           So hold me in your dreams till I come back to you.”

"UNFORGETTABLE" NAT KING COLE

 

This morning I remembered Nat King Cole. 

It was not the first time. For quite some time, he has been frequently in my thoughts.

I used to hear a lot of him on the radio in my school days. He was in his prime churning out hits after hits. I must admit he was not my top favourite. At that time, I considered his songs a bit mushy and preferred the powerful voice of Frankie Laine and the soft crooning of Bing Crosby. But lately, the simple and beautiful lyrics of good old Nat have been humming in my mind. Here are a few of them.

Let’s start with “Too Young” which is about young lovers. He sings, 

“They try to tell us we’re too young,

Too young to really be in love,

They say that love’s a word,

A word we only heard

But can’t begin to know the meaning of……

And yet, we’re not too young to know,

This love will last though years may go.

And then one day they may recall 

We were not too young at all.”

Touches one’s heart?

Then there is “Smile”, a song to lift your spirits:

“Smile, though your heart is aching,

Smile even though it’s breaking……

Smile, what’s the use of crying,

You’ll find that life is still worthwhile, 

If you just smile.”

Feel better already?

“Autumn Leaves” remembers a loved one while watching colourful leaves falling from trees. 

“The autumn leaves drift by my window,

The autumn leaves of red and gold…..

Since you went away the days grow long,

And soon I’ll hear old winter’s song

But I miss you most of all, my darling,

When autumn leaves start to fall.”

“You Will Never Grow Old” is about ageless love.

“You will never grow old

While there is love in your heart,

Time may silver your golden hair,

As you dream in an old rocking chair.

So keep my love in your heart, 

Remember the love tales we told,

For with my love in your heart, my darling,

You will never grow old.”

Long gone is Nat King Cole but his songs will linger forever. As one of his songs goes, he is “Unforgettable” and that is not "incredible."